Sex

[Administrator]

How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
Who cares?

[Administrator]

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

[Administrator]

"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently. "Please kiss me." But the young man turned his head away, saying, "Of course not. How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn't even be lying here making love."

[Administrator]

What does pizza delivery man and a gynaecologist have in common?
Both can smell it but can't eat it

[Administrator]

TO MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The followingis a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
*~*~*~*~* TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[Administrator]

Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can't make a fist.

[Administrator]

Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
A: Having to go to bed so early!

[Administrator]

Q: Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?
A: She managed to squeeze them both in.

[Administrator]

Q. Whats long, hard and full of semen??
A. A submarine.

[Administrator]

Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

[Administrator]

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked his friend. The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

[Administrator]

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife."
Joe responds "The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

[Administrator]

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: * 0.5 Miss Worlds, * 2.5 supermodels, * 463 wild nymphos, * 3,234 good-looking nymphos, * 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms, * and 40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her.
No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

[Administrator]

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

[Administrator]

Ring, ring!
*ring* *ring* "Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"
"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning."
"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"