Men

[Administrator]

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs "30,000.00."
The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

[Administrator]

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

[Administrator]

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...
In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl..
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability..
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement..
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition..
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned..
Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

[Administrator]

Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack. All his friends didn't know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'. Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: 'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!' When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to just drop dead!' Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

[Administrator]

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

[Administrator]

AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox

[Administrator]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[Administrator]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

[Administrator]

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll? Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

[Administrator]

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR: Autumn Schedule MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas Winter Schedule MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers Spring Schedule MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A) SECOND YEAR: Autumn Schedule SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down ELECTIVE (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mother-in-Law MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

[Administrator]

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.
PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres
26. Release hand brake

[Administrator]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

[Administrator]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

[Administrator]

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

[Administrator]

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk...