Prostitutes

[Administrator]

This male prostitute contracted leprosy.
He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

[Administrator]

Why is the government like a prostitute?
Your always getting screwed and you have to pay for it!

[Administrator]

Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes were walking through the park when they passed three women eating bananas.
"Ah", said Holmes, " I see a spinster, a prostitute and a newlywed."
"Amazing, Holmes!", said Dr Watson, "How did you deduce that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. "See how the spinster breaks the banana into small pieces before passing them into her mouth? Whilst the prostitute in the middle holds the banana in both hands."
"Yes, Holmes, but how do you know the other one is newlywed?"
"Well", said Holmes," she's holding the banana with one hand and thumping herself on the back of the head with the other."

[Administrator]

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up.
After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke.
The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster.
I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life and they won't pay me my money.
Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said.
"I'll say one thing to cheer you up.
You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"

[Administrator]

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting withher young charges and she asked them what they wanted to bewhen they grew up.A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When theyrevived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped,"What did you say?" The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweetJesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

[Administrator]

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
Hold on…
You’re gonna love it…
It’s the one with the little sticker that says…
I - DA - HO

[Administrator]

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, “Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?”
She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed.
The young woman, waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, “I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments.”
The cunning guy now yells loudly, “What do you mean by $500?”

[Administrator]

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

[Administrator]

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor: Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ? Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business? Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything? Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

[Administrator]

Presidential Election'2000Dear Abby,I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb ofPhiladelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is marriedto a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested forgrowing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my othertwo sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, onewho is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape andmurder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently beingheld in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his threechildren. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,and hopefully the heroin...
Abby, my problem is this: I love my fianceand look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want tobe totally honest with her...
Should I tell her about my cousin who votedfor Bush?Signed,Worried about my reputation

[Administrator]

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

[Administrator]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Administrator]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pull into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he findshimself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

[Administrator]

A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"

[Administrator]

Sex in a boat - oar-gasms. Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms. Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms. Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms. Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms. Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms. Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms. Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms. Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms. Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms. Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms. Sex while broke - poor-gasms. Sex with a lion - roar-gasms. Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms. Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms. Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms. Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms. Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms. Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms. Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms. Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms. Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms. Sex on the beach - shore-gasms. Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms. Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms. Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms. Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms. Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms. Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms. Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms. Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms. Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms. Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms. Sex while flying - soar-gasms. Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms. Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms. Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms. Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms. Sex while travelling - tour-gasms. Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms. Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms. Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms. Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms. Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms. Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.